The Journey. It’s Mine. [Raine’s Mom, Problogger, Techie-wannabe, Wheelchair-Traveler]

This is not going to be an excuse regarding my previous entry that should have been written (and buried all that it entails) eons ago. I’ve kept my peace for too long and my patience thread has been stretched a million more times than it could normally hold. But then again it’s never too late to start sleeping soundly with immense peace in your heart now that the last piece of rock has been placed over the tomb. Now I’ll try harder not to look back and just move forward with a huge hope that God has the best plans for me and Raine– ready to unfold in His own wonderful time.

To those who’ve read this blog: I never meant to shock (or scandalize) anyone. I just knew that even if the truth terribly hurts, it shall set me free. And it did. Right, no one can fully imagine what kind of hell I’ve wrestled with, literal and figurative. I would have lost the battle if not for Raine. I’m slowly getting there but I still pray that I be whole again…

Speaking of patience…of holding on…of letting go…and of graciously taking-in all hurts/pains/difficulties with endearing pride, faith and hope. And coming out of it all beautiful and victorious. There’s no better example I know than this dearest friend Abby. She never forgot to give me a birthday token or card. Though I can’t remember if I ever gave her one! Of all those cards she gave me, this one she made herself, has touched me the most:

For my friend Glo,
I keep trying to think
Of the perfect words to say,
The perfect thing to do
To make this difficult life easier…
There are no perfect words,
But there is the silent strength
Of our friendship.
And I hope just knowing
How much I care can help.

Keep Smiling, Happy Birthday!
Labs,
Abby

Simple, unfettered…ready to fly (quoting from her Friendster profile): Couldn’t have described this amazing lady who passed most tests of time…and more. Happy birthday Abby! You never cease to inspire me. I love you.

You are dead.
You might as well be. For if I was God I’d make sure that you drown in your own blood and decompose in brackish water.

You are a shame to the fine family you’ve got. I pity them for shouldering the responsibilities you’ve neglected and for always tolerating your mistakes. If I were your father, I’d have banished your name from the page of the family bible. If I were your mother I’d have wished that you were never born.

Just because your blood is running through my son’s veins doesn’t make you a parent. You are such a sorry excuse for a dad. You do not even know the definition of a decent creature much less call yourself one. Stupid, stupid me for allowing you a piece of my heart; for making up excuses against your inadequacies and for hoping that you’d one day stand up like a real man and come up with at least a decent compromise. Detractors would say I’ve got what I deserved for such foolishness. Oh, I paid for that alright and stoop up on its consequences, the hardest difficult way.

Well I don’t live a life of compromise any longer and I won’t settle for the least. Not even for second best. You do not deserve Raine. Not even me. A good soul once told me that I am meant for only the best things in life. (Back then, referring to my allergic reaction against any metal alloy less than gold.) I should have read between those lines. Now I do understand what he meant. God bless him.

I am not sorry for having Raine, not even for a split second. He is my saving grace, my ticket to heaven. Nobody can ever take that hard truth from me, not even YOU! I’ve got Raine…and what have you got?! Some woman you’ve coveted for a wife? She paved your journey to hell. That she-devil constructed your own prison cell, locked you in at her beck-and-call and threw the keys in deep waters. She may have gotten you out of the boiling pot but lead you to jump over the open burning flame instead. Oh dear, she’s got you (your balls) alright in the palm of her hands. May you enjoy the abyss. May God doubly bless her children which I truly hope is partly yours by blood like she claimed.

So why would I ever give you the benefit that is my son? You do not even have the right, any right of even touching the tip of his finger. Nah…over my dead body! What Raine doesn’t know won’t hurt him. And I’ll never give you the tiniest opportunity of hurting me ever again. Raine truly deserves a fine dad, the best dad. I revel to the very idea that it’s not going to be you.

IKAW naman!

Babaeng malaki pa sa mundo ang insecurity: Kung iniisip mong hinahabol ko pa ‘yang ka-supsupang dila mo…Puwes, dahil ga-hinlilit lang naman ang sandata nyan, para makuntento ka ng lubusan, ISAKSAK mo ang taong ‘yan ng buong-buo d’yan sa malaking butas sa pagitan ng dalawang hita mo. Huwag mo na alisin kahit kelan hanggang sa mabulok. Ang tanging interes ko lang naman sa lalaking ‘yan (kung meron pa man) ay upang tadtarin ng pino at ipakain sa mga asong ulol. Kaya tigilan mo na ang pamemeste sa telepono ko.

You’re not even worth a new SIM card. Ibibili ko na lang ng isang maliit na na karton ng Nido o kaya isang maliit na balot ng Huggies.

Sure, God has a wacky way of turning fate around. Who alone can come up with a huge challenge of having to love deeply one person who’s an exact (physical) replica of your most abhorred individual on the face of the earth? Such an ordeal is more than enough payback due of some point-of-no-return intoxicated sinful moments. God, in this case, amanos na tayo ha?

For each time I am locked in Raine’s tight embrace, for each time that I am showered by his wet, little butterfly kisses, for each tickle and giggle…I know deep in my heart that God has granted forgiveness upon me. For each of Raine’s “OK mommy”, “isa pa mommy”, “galing mommy”, “ hindi na, mommy”, “soli na mommy”, “lab yu mommy”…for each loving word uttered by this wonderful child, I am truly glad that except for one fateful sperm that slipped away, that sperm owner doesn’t have any part in his world right now and if only up to me, hopefully always.

May you rest in peace.

Since October 2, 2004 I’ve been officially a true-blue tita. Glenn Carlo, my first-ever nephew was born. He is the second baby in the family, which in turn made Raine officially a kuya. Motherhood gives you a great feeling. Like most moms, holding my own child (Raine) for the first time let loose of all the love that I can give, thatI never thought I’d ever feel…so much that it actually hurts…
But Tita-hood is different: holding Glenn for the first time brought a different kind of tickle in my heart. Maybe because he is my brother’s son? A brother whom I truly love and respect. A brother whom I would trust my own child’s life with. Or maybe because I can just love and spoil this child and leave the disciplining to his parents?! He he! ;*)

I know that this has been 2 months overdue. It has been great touching base with you guys again. We all had fun seeing each other again. Cecil and Ditchie’s wedding last December 28 (and Raine’s 2nd birthday the day after) was indeed a good excuse for a mini reunion.

Better late than never, so I’ve created a yahoogroup for the batch. Just so communication can be facilitated more efficiently, now that most of us have internet access. Let’s keep in touch, shall we?

Remember my post 4 months ago?

I’ve never vanished somebody (not even Raine’s dad) from my book of existence like i did this one. Since then, I never looked or talked to him, not even talked about him or ask somebody how he’s doing. Until today, I didn’t even realize that four months already passed since I last knew there’s an organism like him living on this planet! Even if he passes by my office door every two hours or (almost) bump into him at least once a day…I allowed him to feel, that for me he doesn’t exist, that my world’s rotation around the sun is not in the slightest affected by his mere presence or absence in it.

He has this habit of making noisy chicka to the girls in the lab, making pa-cute (and tsansing!) to the younger male RT and well who knows, maybe this time making pa-cute at our young german intern B(who is by the way, guwapo, in all fairness), that to his dismay nobody introduced to him personally. (por que?!, pakibaba kilay ko.)

Well, to give P-N-G some credit, whenever I go to the lab to the guys/girls about work and find him there…he quickly evaporates. At least he realises that he has no business whatsoever in our lab, even if he most of time makes it his business to disturb busybodies.

Anyway, this morning, I almost bumped into him while I was hurrying for something in the lab with a pensive expression on my face. He was directly in my line of vision, i was most probably looking through him but not really looking at him. It took awhile for my brain to recognize such organism i haven’t seen for quite sometime…if only he didn’t roll his eyes upward and smirked at me! (Aba, at inirapan pala ko ng punyetang baklita! may araw din yan sakin…)

Bah. I feel better already. Happy weekend to you all!!

Abby,a friend of 14 years and my “double-sister” sent me this “tribute” in the email. Very touching. Unfortunately, the author wasn’t indicated. Now I’m passing this on to you…(you all know who you are)…

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When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend, and then I started to become a woman.And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up, God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend’s best is needed when you’re going through things with your children. Another friend’s best is needed when you’re going through things with your momma. Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.

One friend will say let’s pray together, another let’s cry together, another let’s fight together, another let’s walk away together.

One friend will meet your spiritual need, another your shoe fetish, another your love for movies, another will be with you in your season of confusion, another will be your clarifier, another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life, on whatever the occasion, on whatever the day, or where ever you need them to…to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself…those are your friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman, but for many it’s wrapped up in several… one from 7th grade, several from high school, several from the college years, a couple from old jobs, several from church, on some days your mother, on others your sisters, and on some days it’s the one that you needed just for that day or week that you needed someone with a fresh perspective, or the one who didn’t know all your
baggage, or the one who would just listen without judging… those are good best friends.

I thank my girlfriends, those who honor intimacy, those who hold trust, and those who hold me up when life is just too heavy! The special bond we share is unique.

Thanks for the words we’ve shared. The prayers we’ve sent up. The laughs, the tears, the phone calls, the emails, the shopping, the movies, the lunches, the dinners, the talking, talking and the listening, listening, listening….

So whether you’ve been there 20 minutes or 20 years, I love you!

Pass this on to the women that God has placed in
your life to make a difference.

We have a young intern from Germsland whose going to work on TILLING. He reminds me so much of good-old-friends P and S (yeah, Ruth’s S). Well…almost…except that our intern B is seven years younger and has a gf-in-tow who’s gonna be working at the other unit.

Where have the years gone? Ruth and I used to play tour-guide to two beach-crazy european schmucks. And now? I’m playing mother goose to a young german couple that in my eyes are practically kids who are experimenting in living together in the tropics while doing their diploma internship.

I gotta make sure they have fun and get a good impression of the Phillies. Well, they ended up in the right lab and are in good hands. (di ba Ruth?)

Haven’t seen Regine on any live concert. Last Sunday night, a re-run of her recent Araneta concert(Reigning Still) was shown over GMA-7. The so mababaw (or hopelessly romantic?) me was crying like hell in front of the tube (!!). Maybe it was Regine? Or the songs that she sang? Songs of aloneness, of wishful longing…of loving and letting go…or the brief duet she did with ex-bf Ariel Rivera?
Whatever it was…I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing like a river.

Crying cleanses the heart and the spirit.

With all that’s been happening around me lately, with all the things that I need to take care of and be strong about…crying is a luxury that I cannot find any room for. Simply because I cannot: For fear that if I do, everything will crumble under my feet.

It’s exhausting to be strong all the time…

So I give in to being weak from time to time…when watching concert re-runs like Regine’s…when watching some korean telenovelas…when doing the laundry or scrubbing the toilet.

Indeed, crying not only cleanses one’s heart and spirit…it also cleans the toilet!