The Journey. It’s Mine. [My personal take on love, life, parenting and blogging.]

In my kind of work (agricultural research in an international setting), people come and go. Each project that begins will eventually come to an end. Like seasons and phases. Like day and night. It becomes a cycle. Nothing is permanent; everything is just so dynamic- like as it should be in research I guess. Like the earth’s revolving ‘round the sun…24/7…365.25 days a year.

Seven long years and I should have gotten used to this whole enchilada. But no. Every time I find myself in that valley of transition between each phase’s ending and another one’s beginning, some part of me wants to stop the hourglass and keep the sand from running. For each goodbye (be it from a boss, a colleague: long-term or short-term, a friend, a lover) they all took a piece of me and brought it all with them to wherever part of the world they’re supposed to be going. This then leaves me not really incomplete but somehow in pieces that even when put back together is never the same again. My heart both scarred and enriched, if that is even possible. Seven long years and I’ve never perfected the art of properly saying goodbye. I break into tears and I feel gloomy for days after. Maybe just a coincidence, but it’s always raining…at least in each of those important goodbyes. Like in the movies. Mother nature is just too sympathethic.

Anyway, in all those interludes, be it professional or personal…I believe I’ve always put my best foot forward, not to impress but in all sincerity that all relationships I’ve bridged with them all were taken with that extra mile of 100% pure, honest me and more. Without regrets and looking forward to doing it all over again; but with some fortification for better, heartwarming, never-to-be-forgotten kind of associations.

‘Till we meet again. Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara.

Paalam…hanggang sa muli.

We haven’t gotten ‘round to getting that new huge bed…not even the chance to window-shop for one. The past week has been chaotic (to the point of toxic) in the office/lab: a synthesis of so many things going on at once.
1) My boss left (today) for a new (long-term) research post in Japan. Leaving behind an important project that he’s still very much involved with, something he’ll work on via “remote access” through me. (makes me nervous!)
2) Raine and I went on a quick trip to Bicol for my job interview where we spent two nights in the bus. Though physically exhausting for me, Raine enjoyed it a lot (for some reason he’s crazy about riding buses!), especially seeing lolo and lola again even for just a day.
3) I didn’t get accepted as a WYD volunteer! (but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to Europe/Germany in the near future)
4) Hunting (out-of-country) jobs.
5) Generally keeping “afloat” at where I’m at.

These… and all the mundane daily things that is equally important. Emergencies, big and small revolving mostly around Raine: like convincing him to have another haircut; dealing with his sudden fear of lizards and cockroaches and constantly reminding him of a few important things:
1) that he is not Spiderman, thus should stop climbing up the window grills
2) that wrestling is not one of mommy’s favorite plays
3) that he cannot watch “Ice Age” or “Finding Nemo” the whole day (mommy has to watch something else too!)
4) that ice cream is not for breakfast
5) that it’s not polite to call anybody “hoy!”
6) that “pansit”, powdered milk or sugar is not ulam
7) that’s he’s too young to operate the laptop, thus should wait ‘till mommy arrives before his favorite vcd can be played that he can go to (pre)school the moment he turns three

Now, feeling more like Sheeva (or Shiva?–the goddess with 7 pairs of hands) which led me to a few head-knocking realizations:
1) career-wise, the only movement you can go is up and never down, otherwise you stay where you are (or quit altogether)
2) never settle for less, be it a job or person
3) change is constant and some good things never last
4) I’m still terrible at goodbyes
5) I still cry a river over movies

Speaking of movies, I got to steal a few of my sleeping hours and was able to watch something not-Disney, not-Dreamworks and not-Pixar and in turn picked up some lines that shoots straight to the heart:
From “Shall We Dance”: We need a witness to our lives…Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.

From “Mona Lisa Smile”: Not all who wanders are aimless, especially not those who seek the truth…beyond traditions…beyond definitions…beyond image.

My heart is heavy…and full…and loved.

mommy: ‘wag ka sisigaw ng “Darna!” kasi si Darna girl. ikaw boy. si mommy girl din.

raine: …ako boy…ikaw girl!
mommy: di ako girl ah! mommy ako!
raine: (grins with eyes wide open…then belts out a big laugh)… ay mali!

Ha ha ha!!
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Since I’ve given up my old bunk to Raine last year, I’ve been sleeping (on a mattress) on the floor. For some reason…maybe he needs more bed space…Raine didn’t want to sleep with me. Though i was a bit “hurt”, I just took it as claiming his “independence” very early on. At one-and-a-half year? Ok, the thought really hurted me, so I just surrenderred my bed with a sour-graping tone that I’m not used to sharing my bed with another anyway. So i postponed buying a big bed and just contemplated on buying him a toddler’s bed if he continues with such sleeping habit.

Better late than never…

To the perfect mother I’ve ever known…words just woudn’t be enough to honor you. Happy mother’s day ‘Ma!

‘Ma with Raine: taken August 2003

And of course, I wouldn’t let this special day pass: To the only man in the world who loves me the most…who keeps on reminding me that no matter what, inspite of it all, i will always be his (only) little girl. Happy 59th birthday ‘Pa!

‘Pa with Raine: taken August 2003

‘Pa with Raine: taken November 2003

As for me…what better mother’s day gift than Raine’s big hug with matching “luv u…much”. Just because…oh okey, maybe he saw it on TV. But still I was touched…really touched.