The Journey. It’s Mine. [My personal take on love, life, parenting and blogging.]

Today I took a leave from work. I need to make my round: pay the water, electric and etc. bills. I’ve been wanting to get that foot spa so I might as well use this time for that. I could have squeezed the errand on breaks but I just dont want to hurry. I want to give my “wings” a break before they burn on my weary back. There’s just no price to being able to walk leisurely, breathe and not pant, have a quiet coffee at McDonald’s, stop at a boutique you happen to pass by and window-shop. I bought Raine a pair of those fat Mongols (I didn’t know there’s already a fat Mongol, I grew up with the thin one) , a sketch pad and (at last!) an 8’s box of crayola.

Raine has been scribbling already (since the start of this year actually) although he has not been in a real school yet. I have to admit that I have neglected this part of Raine’s development. He’s a got a few books but I don’t really read to him. He’s doing a lot of “reading” mostly by himself. It’s more like I’m reading (or writing) something else side by side with him; at least I get to supervise him a little bit whenever he’s got questions (which is 85% of the time!).

So far he has exceeded my expectation. He knows most animals and stuff already. He’s associating them right both in print and on video. He’s over the tiger-mammoth-elephant-dinosaur-frog-snake mania. Now he is into the whale-shark-fish-turtle craze. As a result, whenever he sees me holding a pen, he takes out a piece of paper and commands me to draw a fish, shark and turtle in successions of different sizes. When I get tired, I urge him to draw one himself but always gives the excuse that he doesn’t know how to. And then when I tell him that he should learn to draw at one point, he insists that only mommy should draw. (As if I can really draw, I’m stucked at the sticks and stones art style stage.) So in one of those rare moments that I prodded him to draw a shark, he came up with this:

Not bad eh? For someone who probably has an “art-gene” close to zero.

I can stand a straight NO. Even a plain (evasive) deadma. I will understand. There was no need to break me furthermore. I am already a million pieces.

Even so, I appreciate the wake up call. Reminds me not to be too assuming in the name of friendship. If you feel I abused it, I didn’t mean to. I’m really sorry.

I wish you well. I wish that you be forever strong to carry your own load. Strong enough not to trip somewhere along the way, not even for once.

Nope, I’m not going. Not anywhere. Not home. This is my home (!). Yeah I’ll carry my own cross…’been carrying it for a long time now. I guess when you get used to it, doesn’t feel a thing anymore. I cry for help from time to time though, to those that I thought would ease the load even for awhile. Those that feel I’ve burdened them in the process…thanks for allowing that very fact blow-up in my face…you’ve got no responsibility, nothing at all. I am really so sorry if I’ve bothered you in any way. The responsibility’s all mine. I’m done redirecting part of that load to the other whom you said is partly responsible. Right, but I’ve had enough rejection; I’ve had enough heartache that I can take. The responsibility’s only mine now. I have a long list of good returns, in my heart, in my head and in my notes. I will be forever grateful, truly. You see, I don’t forget. Not even most of the bad deeds, especially not the good deeds.

Thanks for the reminder though. I’ll get back to you once I’m out of this deep sh*t. I’ve moved on and am now trying out additional new ventures (of course I’ve thought about that!). Don’t you ever worry. Just be happy and feel blessed that you are not in my shoes, you would have gone crazy I’m sure. Now that would have been a more unfortunate scenario. I’m not anywhere near lunacy, I’m just br*ke.

Once again I am contemplating dangerous thoughts of quitting this job and going home. I hope I am just feeling down and this heaviness will leave soon before I do something drastic that I might later regret. But then it is just too easy to succumb to your weaknesses at umuwi sa magulang mo na parang asong bahag ang buntot. Ano ba talagang weakness ang tinutukoy ko? Wala lang…minsan nalulungkot at napapagod lang akong mag-isa…I want a taste once again of my parents’ spoiling care…I just wanna be around a normal family that Raine too can grow into. Yun lang!

Seven years of working in an international organization has exposed me to multi-cultural backgrounds. In those years my concept of the world in general has expanded beyond the (Filipino) culture in which I was born and grown into. In return I found myself sort-of promoting that culture to colleagues and friends of foreign backgrounds inside and outside of the workplace.

Due to motherhood, my social life has taken a back seat in the last three years. My non-existent social life came alive when I was introduced to blogging last year. To my surprise, I’m building new friends in the cyberspace: some of them non-Filipino; kindred spirits who became interested in my way of life. Lengthy emails may not suffice. Fortunately, I found the venue for such a purpose right here. How’s that for this blog’s anniversary (which is actually just a couple of weeks away). Not bad, eh?

When it feels like the world has swarmed in on you …At the end of each day you wonder if you did something significant or accomplished something important…you keep racking your brain and it just goes…zapped…blank.

Like when you spent the whole night on a movie marathon, grabbed two hours of sleep before going to work at 8. And then when somebody asked what movie(s) you’ve watched the night before…you can’t even give a straight answer.

Times like this, I don’t need a juicy fruit gum.

I need a hair cut and a foot scrub…