The Journey. It’s Mine. [Raine’s Mom, Problogger, Techie-wannabe, Wheelchair-Traveler]

And I’m starting to hate it. Especially at this time of the year when people are starting to feel the holiday rush together with year-end report rush. Bad combination. Terrible. My son not only got spoiled with 200% attention, I’m almost choking down my throat with single parenting, if that is even possible. Raine’s tuesday-separation-anxiety is worse than its Monday counterpart. It is even worst at my end for I had to get back to work more guilty than usual.

Yesterday was worst of them all: I spent half the day in a (boring) science meeting without having enough coffee in my system. Then I can’t even remember what I ate for lunch (except that there was rice in it!) because I wobbled it in less than 10 minutes so I can sit down through the rest of my lunch break with hundreds of emails that are equally important: work and off-work (problogging).

Blog readers are easier to please I guess. Anyway, if I get a nasty comment, then I’ll just have to delete and ignore it completely. But my real boss here is a difficult one to please. Especially if the data you produced is not what he was expecting. I believe that the greatest scientific breakthroughs weren’t accomplished by a one-shot experimental set-up. It’s just too bad when some scientists are looking for one-hit wonders.

Argghh…I’m sure I won’t notice it but It’ll be Friday once more.

Prompted by the Monday Mama Challenge at EMothersOnline, I spent last night thinking of my very first mommy moment to find out that the earliest photo I have of my son Raine is at 10 days old.

Raine with mom, 10 days-old

For some reason nobody remembered to “document” Raine’s first moments into this world. I guess my family and friends focused more on me (and the more practical side of childbirth) than having a camera ready for the coming baby. Besides, only dear husbands and expectant fathers usually do that. Raine and I didn’t have either.

My first mommy moment may not be documented and I only have a hospital nurse (whose first name I didn’t even get) as a witness but it is one instance that will be forever etched in my heart and mind.

I probably had the most abnormal birth delivery. Failing at 12 hours of induced labor, my Ob-Gyne decided to cut a c-section. In my drugged-asleep-state, I heard Raine cry when he was taken out of my womb. But nobody placed him on my chest like they probably do in normal birth deliveries (and in the movies!) I didn’t see my new born Raine until two days later when the hooks (iv, catheter, etc) were taken out of my body.

(Imagine my agony and excitement when everyone visiting my hospital room was describing this beautiful baby boy in the nursery room that came out of me.)

Raine, 10 days-old

First second I was off the hooks, I asked to be wheeled to the nursery to see Raine. I remember the nurse was feeding him on a bottle and his eyes were closed. The moment I entered the room, his eyes suddenly opened and looked directly unto mine as if he knew me already. Those round dark eyes never left mine as I held him in my arms for the first time. Emotions swelled inside me and I cried a river. It was then that I first realized that I am finally a mother and that my life will be forever changed…and it has.

I went out Saturday night to take out (a month’s!) trash. Then I spent the whole weekend nursing a muscle pain that turned into a hard knot in my right shoulder blade. (Don’t ask why I let the darn garbage accumulate for a month.) However much I ranted about coping well and good (and being happy) without a “man” in the house (and my life), I still believe that taking out the trash is a man’s job in any household. The garbage bag I took out last Saturday must have weighed more than 20 kilos (Raine is about 20 kilos and I have no problem carrying him!) I couldn’t even lift the black bag I had to drag it some 10 to 15 meters outside the compound (where our apartment is) at a point where the garbage truck can pick it up.

A good friend asked me recently what I looked for in a man. If I were 10 years younger I would have came up with a long list that revolves mostly in some girlish fantasy of an ideal man sweeping me off my feet; looking into whose eyes made time stand still and living together happily ever after.

But I am 32, with a 3-year old child in my sole care and terrible at making ends meet: and I’ve already learned (the hard way) that kisses aren’t promises and that making love doesn’t bind one’s soul to another. So I cheekily quipped that I want somebody financially stable and really sweet and special who will love my son more than he loves me; who’ll be a real father to him and take care of us our whole lives. Blah…blah…blah…I guess the usual single mother’s dream of an ideal man…the list goes longer.

If I take a look at that list, I’d guess he hasn’t been born yet. Nobody comes in one perfect package. You know what I just want? A sweet caring man whose eyes I will feel on me even when I’ve looked away. A man caring enough to know the nitty-gritty details of me: a man who’ll look deep into my dark brown eyes and tell me that they’re actually amber near the iris and they turn almost green when I look into the sun.
(Yeah, somebody into that kind-a-detail even if my eyes are the darkest brown there is and can’t probably change its colors.)

What is it with men and garbage anyway? He he.

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By the way, I’m blogging about motherhood somewhere else: Empowering Mothers Online is just born. For those who care, read the intro I wrote. Now maybe I can blog less about Raine here and more about me? Ha ha.

So rare are those weekends when Raine and I get to socialize. Sometimes the ones that turn out the most fun are the impromptu, unplanned kinds.

Sunday swimming (at Lucidel Resort, Calauan, Laguna) with my good friend and former housemate (now neighbor) Ging (with daughter MJ in the photo, her hubby Jojo was behind the camera).

It has been 5 days since the “network marriage” (see my previous post) but I’m still giddy with blogger’s block I haven’t posted anything here afterwards. I’ve been busy catching up and most of the time just lurking at the B5 media private forum. I’m just so overhelmed with the many intelligent, talented, wonderful persons out there. And I never felt closer to my sisters at About Weblogs than I do now.

It’s really a wacky, geeky blogging world out there. I may not understand half of what those guys are talking about, I am just too happy somebody else is taking care of the techy part. I’ll just keep the muse alive. I hope!

So if you don’t see something new here, head on over at my Philippine Culture blog.

We spent the Halloween break here at LB. For some reason we are not yet allowed to visit my father’s tomb because he has not been dead 40 days yet. Don’t ask me, I don’t why. (I haven’t googled it yet.) In connection to that, a novena for his soul starts tomorrow, for 9 days. The 9th day being the 40th day of his death, locally called pasiyam. So I decided to stay put and catch on lost sleep and rest. Though very hard to do with Raine around, I guess I made the most out of the extended weekend.

It rained heavily most of the time anyway, our activities were limited to watching videos, reading and well just goofing around the house which was actually more of a riot. We took long walks on those afternoons when Mother Nature decided to take short breaks and turned off the rain valves. Everyday we went to church and lighted a candle for ‘Pa, we lighted one at home, once each night since 31st October.

Meanwhile my mother celebrated her 57th birthday last Saturday (29th Oct). We tried our best to cheer her up on her special day, I allowed Raine to talk to her a little longer on the phone. Later she sent me an SMS that this was her saddest birthday. I can’t blame her. Anyway, on the 31st my brother Gary left to join his bulk vessel currently dry docked in Vietnam. He started working 1st November, his 31st birthday. While his wife and kid decided to stay in Bulacan, at my sis-in-law’s family. The twins are staying with my mother now, they’re transferring schools too; we gave them no choice. The only thing I don’t like about long weekends is that Raine gets used to having me around the house it’s difficult to get back to work afterwards; he gets separation anxiety once more. He bawled when I left this morning. Well, that’s our life.

Off topic: Pinoy.Travel.Blog went live today.