(written 18 February 2006)
In 2002, while I was heavy and pregnant with my Raine, there was a massive restructuring program in the institute where I (still) work. Sympathetic (senior) colleagues advised me to talk to the administrative bosses and state my case (single, head of the family, not to mention a baby on the way!) to lessen the probability of getting laid off.
Indeed, I was in a hot spot then: 6 months earlier the head of the research project I was assigned into was sacked. His research discipline wasn’t in the line of the institute’s trust anymore. But because I am holding a regular position I was kept as a floating researcher given sporadic assignments from other research groups needing an extra pair of hands. That time I left everything to fate and didn’t “talk” to the admin bosses like I was advised to do. For some reason, I was fortunate enough to be retained while about 80 others were retrenched.
Couple of months later I was assigned to the plant physiology research group. Even if it was a bit off-tangent, there was still chemistry (my educational background) in soil ecotoxicity, biogeochemistry and microbial ecology. But I definitely know nothing about plant science much less its physiology for I barely passed my basic botany class. I won’t deny that my brain bleed innumerable times just to get my chemistry diploma. But I was comfortable memorizing chemical formulas and reactions and understanding their mechanisms. However, my brain shuts automatically down on scientific names and biology stuff. That if I were to become a frog in another life, there would be a big prize over my head; I’ll be up against a big vengeance for I practically mutilated (in my attempt to dissect) too many of those poor frogs before I got out of zoology class.
So it was a bit difficult for me trying to do research from the plant’s perspective. Although I got as far as mastering the nutrient solution necessary for growing them and screening various varieties under stressed conditions, I undeniably mainly focused on the chemistry part of it all: plant nutrient uptake, tissue elemental analysis and some molecular biology application techniques. I never got to fully comprehend the gene-mapping, sequencing part because I didn’t want to (besides not putting the extra time for it in favor of my mommy duties). Why would I if I’m surrounded by molecular biologists and geneticists that have brains designed just for that. I was content hovering on the surface and “administering” a laboratory: making sure everything is available and fully operational, from pipette tips to PCR machines. Mind you, my supervisors are all very supportive. Somehow I got them convinced that I have potential for advancement in this field.
In my younger years, I remember writing the best essays in class, winning a 300-peso cash prize for a stage play I wrote, publishing a couple of my poems and topping my journalism class. When it was time to decide for a university course, I was choosing amidst accountancy, civil engineering, mass communications and theater arts. Up to this day it remains a mystery how I landed on chemistry while I was then convinced at settling on a vocational course like dressmaking or hair science because those are the only ones that my parents could afford.
Last year I was ready to get out of here even sans an alternative day job. Something (I can’t remember what) held me back. Last week I handed the big boss my intentions of resigning. He will be traveling for a week short after, so he asked me to think things through one more time (we’ll talk again when he gets back on the 22nd), told me I would be a big loss in the group but he will support my decision all the way, whatever it will be.
I made up my mind too long ago I guess. I’ve just always been too scared to get out of the comfort zone, too scared to take the risk of reinventing myself. Today I’m jumping out of going in circles (something I’ve been at in the past four years) and printed the final version of my official resignation letter, effective 1st April 2006. I’ve been standing on a crossroad for far too long. Finally, I found enough guts to take that fateful step towards another road. It’s not because I’m running away from my personal dilemmas; it’s not because LB ceased to be my haven; and it’s not because I’ve got problogging gigs right now. Blogging was just the bonus. At least I have something exciting to do (that pays) while I’m trying to figure out what I really want to do in life. While doing that, I will be at home to pool my family together before it falls apart. After all, I am first an obliging daughter, the dependable big sister, now a doting aunt and last but not least, Raine’s mother (and father too!).
Maybe blogging is the start of my writing career? Only God knows. Actually, writing was my first love. In that perspective, I’ve come full circle. I can’t wait.
This might be the craziest decision i’ve ever done but it’s the most peaceable. I’ve actually never been this happy. I’m scared but ready for the excitement of what looms ahead after this. All i know is that God is good and things are just going to get better.
May be it’s the love month.