I’ve cried at weddings, and always, I’ve been awed by news of pregnancies and newborns. In fact, I still do. Despite the fact that marriage seems like a Greek word in my vocabulary and another baby has turned into a scary thought. But that’s just me.

Don’t get me wrong. Actually, I envy friends who have had babies number 2 and 3 and the news of other friends tying the knot still come to me with glee.

Honestly, I still would like to walk down the aisle to the altar of marriage, cook dinner for a man, and give Raine a brother or a sister. I guess Raine would love that, he’s (currently at least) crazy about babies and would of course welcome a “partner in crime” for a sibling.

My mother’s not going to be around forever so I want to have the chance for a normal family and get used to making breakfast instead of sleeping-in on any day of the week. I want to know what it would be like to be presented with a new born baby in the arms of his father, my husband (there’s another Greek word!)

Raine and his All of those, I may still want, but the nagging thought that maybe they aren’t for me is enough to not make me sulk and pout. In fact, I would still be happy if it would just be Raine watching me grow old in beauty, or at least until such a time that it’s time for him to lead his own life without my constant hovering.

What woman wouldn’t want to wear a white gown once in her life? We all want to be cuddled into the night with a strong, warm pair of arms. We all want someone who would listen to all our rants, tolerate our little whims and maybe woe us, kiss us for the rest of our lives. I want those too. Really I do.

BUT. If those are not part of God’s big plan for me, I am praying that He better remove in me the feeling of wanting all those. Though that occupies maybe just half-a-quarter of my heart, He better fill the space with something else so I can head on to my old age feeling complete. I would for sure be old and gray, maybe alone, but at least in full circle.

By mid-year I’d be 34, which makes changing nappies at age 40 a horrible thought. Also, if a marriage takes at least 10 years of adjustment, I don’t want to be 65 and still be adjusting. :-D

So God, I guess you’d better act now. Otherwise, just turn my heart to fully enjoy taking Raine alone to the circumcision clinic and scouting camp someday. ;-)

[I’ve been told that winter time is depressing. It’s not winter but four weeks of heavy rains is equally so if not more. Where are you sunshine? Please come back soon and prevent us all from thinking “dangerous” thoughts.]