The Journey. It’s Mine. [Daragang Magayon’s Personal Blog]

The last time I took the bus home, it was for an awfully painful reason. This Christmas I was actually dreading to take that bus ride again. Not only because of the hassles of traveling alone with a toddler (especially at this time of year) but because our home will never be the same again, now that my father is gone. 

I guess my mother thinks so too and decided she’d come here instead to join me (and Raine) for the holidays. She arrived last Sunday and since then I am gleefully waking up to garlic rice for breakfast (hurray…somebody is cooking breakfast at last!) and Raine has suddenly forgotten how to spoon the food into his mouth (these days, lola has to feed him!)

Like the many occasions most of us had to be here in LB, we all like to think and feel that Papa is just at home because somebody has to be left behind to take care of the pigs, the chickens and the dogs and cats (his usual excuse anyway). So this Christmas we’ll all be with my uncles (pa’s brothers) in Cavite.

How do you encourage a woman (your own mother) who just lost a dear husband? I honestly have no idea, I just know that I have to be there and cry with her. Cry is what we all do anyway, whenever we sit down and talk. I’m just glad that Raine is there to always put a smile on Mama’s face. So in the last couple of days I’ve been taking the back seat and letting her have Raine all to herself.

Saturday I attended a wedding: one of the few times I attended a social event without Raine. It was nice to be able to “dress up” once more; even the heavy downpour of rain can’t dampen.

It was kind of liberating to catch up on old (and new members) of the flock (without a rowdy toddler in tow). I’ve always been longing for opportunities to “get out” and have fun with friends but the moment I do, I end up missing Raine every single minute and wished I brought him with me; especially if people around me keep asking about him and why he wasn’t with me. I guess I spent three-fourths of the time talking about Raine instead!

Well, I may be a different person now, but some things never change: I still cry at weddings.
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dun sa tumatawag sa dis-oras ng gabi: it’s not that i’m intentionally not picking up your call…but if you really wanna catch me and talk…agahan mo ang tawag baka sakaling gising pa ako (!!)

Not really being scrooge, i skipped attending our office (division) Christmas party this afternoon. First time in 8 years that I don’t feel like partying int he office this time of the year. I don’t know, for some reason my heart is just not into it. Maybe it is my father’s recent death or something else I can’t pinpoint. I tried going to the department store last night (with Raine) in my attempt to do some small Christmas shopping but only ended up with Raine getting another toy truck. The store was too crowded, it was just impossible to shop peacefully. Maybe I’ll just take one afternoon off real soon (before my mother arrives for Christmas!), i like to check out the shops at the time of day when everyone else is buried in their offices or having siestas at home.

Earlier this year, I mentioned that Raine is partly toilet trained. He has progressed more in that department since then. I could actually take him with me (to the grocery and somewhere else) without having him wear a diaper. He’s still terrified of sitting on the potty though (much more the toilet) but he at least informs you clearly if he’s about to poop.

Last night, we ran out of stock of diapers. Too lazy to run to the nearest store, I talked Raine into sleeping with just his pajamas on (sans the diaper). He took a leak (at the toilet!) a couple of times before going to bed and I reminded him firmly not to wet his bed and to get up and wake me up if he needs to pee in the middle of the night. As contingency, I inserted a rubber mat under the sheet on his side of the bed and placed an extra folded sheet on top of it. It was like our mantra before we went to sleep: “huwag mag-wiwi sa bed, sa cr lang. gisingin si mommy pag wi-wiwi. Ganun ha? ok mommy, ganun. ok Raine, usapan yan ha?”

Like me Raine sleeps like a log, so I really didn’t expect that he’ll have the will to get up on unholy hours in the night even for a pee. So I actually spent the whole night sleeping lightly, checking every hour or so for a wet bed. To my surprise. It didn’t happen, Raine did well. For the first time he spent the night without diapers, without wetting his bed. Hooray! He was just a little grumpy when he got up this morning at around 6:30, I needed to carry him to the toilet to pee, and he peed a lot!

I’ve been slack with Raine’s toilet training. Doing it actually poses more challenge to me that it is for Raine. Letting your toddler wear a diaper all the time is just too convenient (even if it hurts your budget sometimes), way too convenient I may even let him wear it ’til he’s five or so. (I know, I’m such a lazy mom!)

Anyway, last night was a first for the two of us, it’s definitely something new that Raine accomplished with flying colors. One thing that I want to do each night after that. Wish us luck!

When I applied to be a blogger at About Weblogs, I originally suggested single parenting as a topic. But then it’s a topic too competitive and broad, prolifically existent in the web. Shai convinced me that I can do a philippine culture blog, with the aim of showcasing the Philippines not for the purpose of traveling but to reflect the Filipino way of life, not only to Filipinos but especially to non-Filipinos who would be interested. When Mabuhay!: The Philippine Culture Blog went live in August, then being the first Filipina (aboard the network) based in the Philippines (now there’s another one, Connie of the Online Journalism Blog) I already had sure readers from the network itself with 6 other Filipinas based in several parts of the world (U.S, Germany, Australia, New Zealand). Time flies when you’re blogging, I’ve recently published my 100th post!

Then the girls of About Weblogs brainstormed on the concept of Alpha Moms Worldwide that hoped to gather mothers from different walks of life without being competitive about each other’s varying states and ways of motherhood but would instead encourage and empower one another irregardless of one’s demography, cultural background or financial and marital status. That very concept gave gave birth to EMothersOnline.

This got me all dreamy. If blogging can already sustain us for a living, maybe I’d quit this day job (that I both hate and love) and do more blogs in agriculture or chemistry and maybe even entertainment. Let’s just wait and see, who knows? Nothing is impossible, right?

And I’m starting to hate it. Especially at this time of the year when people are starting to feel the holiday rush together with year-end report rush. Bad combination. Terrible. My son not only got spoiled with 200% attention, I’m almost choking down my throat with single parenting, if that is even possible. Raine’s tuesday-separation-anxiety is worse than its Monday counterpart. It is even worst at my end for I had to get back to work more guilty than usual.

Yesterday was worst of them all: I spent half the day in a (boring) science meeting without having enough coffee in my system. Then I can’t even remember what I ate for lunch (except that there was rice in it!) because I wobbled it in less than 10 minutes so I can sit down through the rest of my lunch break with hundreds of emails that are equally important: work and off-work (problogging).

Blog readers are easier to please I guess. Anyway, if I get a nasty comment, then I’ll just have to delete and ignore it completely. But my real boss here is a difficult one to please. Especially if the data you produced is not what he was expecting. I believe that the greatest scientific breakthroughs weren’t accomplished by a one-shot experimental set-up. It’s just too bad when some scientists are looking for one-hit wonders.

Argghh…I’m sure I won’t notice it but It’ll be Friday once more.

Prompted by the Monday Mama Challenge at EMothersOnline, I spent last night thinking of my very first mommy moment to find out that the earliest photo I have of my son Raine is at 10 days old.

Raine with mom, 10 days-old

For some reason nobody remembered to “document” Raine’s first moments into this world. I guess my family and friends focused more on me (and the more practical side of childbirth) than having a camera ready for the coming baby. Besides, only dear husbands and expectant fathers usually do that. Raine and I didn’t have either.

My first mommy moment may not be documented and I only have a hospital nurse (whose first name I didn’t even get) as a witness but it is one instance that will be forever etched in my heart and mind.

I probably had the most abnormal birth delivery. Failing at 12 hours of induced labor, my Ob-Gyne decided to cut a c-section. In my drugged-asleep-state, I heard Raine cry when he was taken out of my womb. But nobody placed him on my chest like they probably do in normal birth deliveries (and in the movies!) I didn’t see my new born Raine until two days later when the hooks (iv, catheter, etc) were taken out of my body.

(Imagine my agony and excitement when everyone visiting my hospital room was describing this beautiful baby boy in the nursery room that came out of me.)

Raine, 10 days-old

First second I was off the hooks, I asked to be wheeled to the nursery to see Raine. I remember the nurse was feeding him on a bottle and his eyes were closed. The moment I entered the room, his eyes suddenly opened and looked directly unto mine as if he knew me already. Those round dark eyes never left mine as I held him in my arms for the first time. Emotions swelled inside me and I cried a river. It was then that I first realized that I am finally a mother and that my life will be forever changed…and it has.

I went out Saturday night to take out (a month’s!) trash. Then I spent the whole weekend nursing a muscle pain that turned into a hard knot in my right shoulder blade. (Don’t ask why I let the darn garbage accumulate for a month.) However much I ranted about coping well and good (and being happy) without a “man” in the house (and my life), I still believe that taking out the trash is a man’s job in any household. The garbage bag I took out last Saturday must have weighed more than 20 kilos (Raine is about 20 kilos and I have no problem carrying him!) I couldn’t even lift the black bag I had to drag it some 10 to 15 meters outside the compound (where our apartment is) at a point where the garbage truck can pick it up.

A good friend asked me recently what I looked for in a man. If I were 10 years younger I would have came up with a long list that revolves mostly in some girlish fantasy of an ideal man sweeping me off my feet; looking into whose eyes made time stand still and living together happily ever after.

But I am 32, with a 3-year old child in my sole care and terrible at making ends meet: and I’ve already learned (the hard way) that kisses aren’t promises and that making love doesn’t bind one’s soul to another. So I cheekily quipped that I want somebody financially stable and really sweet and special who will love my son more than he loves me; who’ll be a real father to him and take care of us our whole lives. Blah…blah…blah…I guess the usual single mother’s dream of an ideal man…the list goes longer.

If I take a look at that list, I’d guess he hasn’t been born yet. Nobody comes in one perfect package. You know what I just want? A sweet caring man whose eyes I will feel on me even when I’ve looked away. A man caring enough to know the nitty-gritty details of me: a man who’ll look deep into my dark brown eyes and tell me that they’re actually amber near the iris and they turn almost green when I look into the sun.
(Yeah, somebody into that kind-a-detail even if my eyes are the darkest brown there is and can’t probably change its colors.)

What is it with men and garbage anyway? He he.

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By the way, I’m blogging about motherhood somewhere else: Empowering Mothers Online is just born. For those who care, read the intro I wrote. Now maybe I can blog less about Raine here and more about me? Ha ha.

So rare are those weekends when Raine and I get to socialize. Sometimes the ones that turn out the most fun are the impromptu, unplanned kinds.

Sunday swimming (at Lucidel Resort, Calauan, Laguna) with my good friend and former housemate (now neighbor) Ging (with daughter MJ in the photo, her hubby Jojo was behind the camera).

It has been 5 days since the “network marriage” (see my previous post) but I’m still giddy with blogger’s block I haven’t posted anything here afterwards. I’ve been busy catching up and most of the time just lurking at the B5 media private forum. I’m just so overhelmed with the many intelligent, talented, wonderful persons out there. And I never felt closer to my sisters at About Weblogs than I do now.

It’s really a wacky, geeky blogging world out there. I may not understand half of what those guys are talking about, I am just too happy somebody else is taking care of the techy part. I’ll just keep the muse alive. I hope!

So if you don’t see something new here, head on over at my Philippine Culture blog.